I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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