You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
