first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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