Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Someone signed my nipple.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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