She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Come share oat with me in your robe
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
