im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
