Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
