So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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