You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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