My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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