i just google imaged poop.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
