Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
