If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
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