I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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