So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
