Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
