Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
