we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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