she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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