My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
