all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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