24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
