I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
