He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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