I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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