I love black thongs
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
