In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
