Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize