i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Of course I have a pirate flag
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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