the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
