You're my little dorito
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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