Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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