I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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