All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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