I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
