I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
