did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I did not marry a roomba.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
