I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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