I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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