I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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