you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
