So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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