there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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