I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
