wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
