if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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