Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
