she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
