nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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