I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Please don't give away my fajitas
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
My feet surprised me
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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