Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
