Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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