dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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