she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
