I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
