when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
