I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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