I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
