Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(305): View more from Florida

my head looks like a cockatoo

(1-305): View more from Florida

mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom

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(502): View more from Kentucky

All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.

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(310): View more from California

He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit

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(760): View more from California

My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?

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(703): View more from Virginia

still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside

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(609): View more from New Jersey

did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?

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(410): View more from Maryland

Bad breakup?

(1-410): View more from Maryland

He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats

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